Author Archives: little city hermit

Leap of Faith (I)

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My Journey to Eastern Orthodoxy: Part One

Protesting Protestantism

“Do you believe that Jesus Christ was the only begotten Son of God, who died for your sins, was buried and rose again on the third day?” The Reverend’s voice echoed against the tile baptistery. The water was cold.

“Yes,” my meek reply.

“I baptize you in the name of the Father, the son, and the Holy Spirit.”

The Reverend’s voice disappeared as I sank beneath a sea of pain. The water entered my nostrils and I gagged. I choked. Coughed. Gasped for air.

Washed in the water of life. Surrendered to the eternal. Dead and buried with Christ. Yes, I did believe, but…

So many questions yet unanswered. So many deeds undone. At eight my heart had only just begun to lust for the Tree of Knowledge. Duality. Good and evil. An unfulfilled yearning pounded deep within me. My sins had been forgiven and I had only just begun to sin.

I emerged from the water of life, coughing and spitting. The water hid the tears of one who sought surcease of sorrow. Raging hatred. Rebellious angels tormented me as they revealed the evil that yet remained within my soul – that part of me which would remain apart and alone.

Thus I was baptized into the First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), a mainline Protestant denomination. Although the Disciples of Christ movement was started by a couple of dissenting Presbyterian ministers in the early 1800s, the church claimed to be based on first century New Testament faith and practice. I attended Sunday school, memorized Bible stories, and sang in the choir, but as I grew into my teen years, I began to feel like something was missing.

Although I appreciated the basic message of believing in God and being good, I felt like I was just skimming the surface of Christianity. Where was the power and mystical experience described in the New Testament? Protesting against my Protestant upbringing, I experimented with all kinds of self-help programs, occult practices, and other religions including Buddhism, Hinduism and New Age spirituality. I meditated, chanted, practiced self-hypnosis, yoga, and Tai Chi. I read the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao Te Ching, The Lotus Sutra, Autobiography of a Yogi, and countless other spiritual texts.

Like the Prodigal Son, I eventually found myself lost in a moral and spiritual wasteland, desperately alone in the darkness. I was like a dead dog lying on the road of life when the light of grace shined down upon me and turned my heart toward Christ. I picked up the Bible and read it from cover to cover several times, recognizing that the resurrected Lord Jesus Christ was real and ever present. Glimpsing the light of grace, I experienced a deep healing and recovery, which led to turning my life around. But without clear guidance, my spiritual life meandered through various denominations and ways of worship, including Assembly of God, Calvary Chapel, Reformed, and “nondenominational” evangelical mega churches.

As a Protestant I had been taught that original Christianity had disappeared or been corrupted soon after the time of the Apostles. The “true church” did not reappear until the time of the Reformation in the 1500’s. Subsequent movements claimed to have the most correct interpretation of the scriptures as they argued over pre-tribulation raptures, pre-millennialism, predestination, and other controversies.

As I bounced between various denominations, I judged the sexual and financial scandals that plagued the televangelists and mega-church leaders, while justifying my own moral failings. Doomsday prophets cashed in on end-times hysteria with ever-changing dates for Christ’s return. As preachers fell and prophecies failed, my faith wavered. What happened to the church?

Although my confidence in organized religion was diminished, I still believed in God and Christ. But how could I connect to the one supreme God with so many contradictory paths leading in opposite directions? Enough was enough.
I was done with all these churches and their false teachers. I began to refer to denominations as “demons-in-nations” and I finally gave up man-made religious organizations altogether.

I became “spiritual but not religious,” which meant that I would just pick and choose whatever beliefs “resonated” with me at the time. Free from any sectarian dogmas, I began practicing silent prayer and meditation, reading the Bible on my own and studying 17th century Christian mystics, especially George Fox and the early Quaker writings. Perhaps I had finally found the true path, I thought, as I sat alone in silent stillness, waiting on the Lord. But how would I know that the inner guidance and insights I received were any more than delusions or vain imaginations? After five years of silent waiting, praying, and seeking the inward light, I realized I was still wandering in the wilderness alone.

I continued reading the work of more spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Krishnamurti, Vernon Howard, and George Gurdjieff. Much of what they said sounded true, but who could I really trust? My skepticism skirted toward the brink of atheism as my desperation sank into despair. What if the whole universe was just a random chaos of matter in motion? How could I restore my waning faith? I prayed for a sign from on high.

Celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary on Memorial Day in 2016, my wife and I leaped out of an airplane at 18,000 feet over Monterey Bay, California. Tumbling head over heels toward the earth, falling, floating, fearless motion blended into stillness as I let go of every thought and feeling, melting into the ever-present moment. Trusting in a safe landing on solid ground took a great leap of faith.

I didn’t know that I was about to take another leap, a leap of faith, that would make skydiving look easy.

By Robert Hammond

 

Journey of a Young Artist

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Jonathan Jackson and The Seeds of “The Mystery of Art”

 

Whoever wants to become a Christian, must first become a poet. — Saint Porphyrios
When I was young, they brought me to Babylon
And the night hung over my head
The smoke came into my dreams 
In the valley of dry bones

It was under the skies of Babylon 
Where my soul fell in love with God
My eyes were seared and my blood was bruised
But I was hidden within a song

All around were the sounds of Babylon
But all I heard, were the hymns of heaven

It was under the skies of Babylon 
Where my soul fell in love with her 
I was barely coming clean and she had already seen
A war on her innocence

I spoke of the Christ underneath the clouds 
And woke her from the sleep of death

She took my hand and walked me through the crowd
Why, is anybody’s guess?

All around, was the gold of Babylon
But all I saw, was an angel of heaven

You can shut me up but you cannot quiet
The silence of the Mystic Church
You can shut me up but you cannot quiet
The silence of the Mystic Church

 

I would like to start with the journey of how this book, “The Mystery of Art” began. It was not an intellectual or abstract search. The questions and explorations on this subject were immediate and crucial for me growing up. I began working as a professional actor at the age of 11 on General Hospital. At The age of 12, by God’s grace I had a profound encounter with Christ. My father would give us cassette tapes of sermons to listen to and one night, I heard a sermon on “The holiness of God and the pride of the human heart.” I don’t know why and I don’t know how these things occur, but I was cut to the heart. I suddenly realized how far away from God I truly was. How prideful and full of selfishness and egoism I was. It scared me to be honest. And yet, paradoxically, in that very moment of feeling the weight of my sinfulness—how my supposed righteousness is like “filthy rags” before the holiness of God, as Isaiah says—a Divine Presence also overwhelmed me. I felt like a great sinner who was also mysteriously loved beyond comprehension.

Around the same time, I read C.S. Lewis’ chapter called “The Great Sin”, which is all about Pride. I read Matthew 25, the Last Judgment and Matthew 5 when Christ says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” I knew I could never impress God with my self-righteousness, so I cried out for mercy, I cried out for grace. And the compassions of God washed over me.

This was a turning point in my life. Nothing was the same after this encounter. I began to hear and perceive my own thoughts with great clarity. This was frightening too because I was suddenly aware of all the judgments and horrible thoughts I had about people. But the Holy Spirit was so merciful in this process. He never made me feel condemned. Convicted, yes. But never condemned. He would always whisper, “I’m not showing you this to condemn you, I’m showing you this darkness, so you can be healed.”

I began to think about God all the time. Throughout the following years there were many struggles and trials but the mystery of God became the most beautiful, the most attractive, the most intriguing and important pursuit in my life.

Naturally and organically, I had a desire to incorporate the Holy Spirit into the work I was doing. I had studied a few different acting methods but for the most part, my own personal method was being birthed through experience. Working with Anthony Geary and Genie Francis and other incredible performers like Michelle Pfeiffer and Sir Ben Kingsley. It was very much like Orthodoxy in the sense that I was a sponge, soaking everything in through experience and not through theory.

Within a short period of time after this initial encounter of grace, I was given some very heavy storylines to portray. I was about 15 years old and my character Lucky Spencer finds a young girl in the woods, who has just been raped. It is winter and the poor girl is freezing out in the cold, left for dead. He rescues her and they develop a friendship. He spends months taking care of her and being by her side as she tries to heal from this horrific event.

On a Soap Opera, you are on TV almost every day; especially when your storyline in prominent. In a more direct way than most artistic mediums, you are living the day-to-day story of your character. I was portraying this storyline for months. It was during this time that I first remember bringing God into my preparation as an actor. I began to ask Him, “How could you allow this innocent creature to suffer in this way?” “How can anyone be healed from such a wound?”

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They were questions my character could have been asking God and questions most of us have asked before. What it began to do for me, was nudge my work towards something inherently spiritual and although I would not have known it at the time, something sacramental.

Over the following years I portrayed a lot of dark and tragic roles: someone struggling with suicide, a heroine addict, a murderer among others. It was around this time when I began to ask God, “How can I portray these dark and troubled characters dynamically and truthfully, without being consumed by the darkness myself?” There are many tragic stories of young actors who become drug addicts after playing one in a film. The stories of drug overdoses and suicides among young actors and actresses are too many. I instinctively steered away from “Method Acting” and sought a different path, even though I didn’t know exactly what that would be.

It was around this time when I discovered Dostoevsky. It’s amazing to me now, being Orthodox that I wasn’t able to comprehend anything about the Orthodox Church as I read his books. It was like a veil, I suppose. But what I did discover was a kindred soul. Here was someone who was writing about very dark and tragic characters and themes but from a place of beauty—from a place of the Light of Christ. Prince Myshkin, from the “The Idiot”, changed my life. I clung to Dostoevsky in my heart as I approached portraying these dark characters and prayed, “Lord, please help me to portray the darkness of this world from a place of purity and light. Please, help me not to be overcome by the darkness, but to infiltrate the darkness with Your Light. Without you I can do nothing. I am nothing, I have nothing and I can do nothing without You, Lord. Amen.”

This is a snap shot so to speak, of the journey towards writing, “The Mystery Of Art”. These were the seeds, which by God’s grace, grew over time. There were so many important and profound spiritual realities that I wasn’t exposed to at the time, because I had not encountered the Holy Orthodox Church. I was grasping in the dark, looking for answers, feeling my way towards Christ, as best I could, but I always knew that something was missing; something significant and crucial to my relationship with God. There is a beautiful Scripture in the Gospel of John where Christ says,

“And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.” (John 10:16)

I was one those lambs who was not of this fold. But through the grace of Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd and your prayers, He found me and brought me home. My journey to the Orthodox Faith took many years and was paved with blood and heartache. I carried all of these artistic questions and experiences with me as my family and I came into the Church for salvation, deliverance and healing.

See also: Jonathan Jackson’s Orthodox Acceptance Speech at the Emmy’s

See photos from his visit to Mount Athos for the first time with his 11 year-old son Caleb (2015), where they stayed  for five days visiting Simonopetra and Xenophontos monasteries, and spent most of his time at Vatopaidi Monastery (Friday till Tuesday) where he met the Abbot, Elder Ephraim, and attended an all-night vigil on Saturday night.

While at Vatopaidi Monastery, Jonathan also gave a testimony of how he converted to Orthodoxy for Pemptousia, which can be seen here.

Abba Dorotheos, An Instruction

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Life and Sayings of Abba Dorotheos (*) — Instruction XI

115. It happened that a great Elder was with his disciples in a place where there were all kinds of cypresses, large and small. He said to one of his disciples: ‘Pull up that little cypress plant’. It was very small and the monk had no difficulty in pulling it up with one hand. Then the Elder indicated another, bigger than the first, and said ‘Pull that one up as well’. After giving it a shake, the monk used both hands to uproot it. He then pointed to another, even bigger, and the monk uprooted that, too, though with more effort. The Elder then pointed to another one, even bigger. The monk shook it hard and expended much effort and sweat before finally uprooting it. The next one was even bigger and despite his sweat and efforts, the monk wasn’t able to pull it up. When the Elder saw that he couldn’t, he told another brother to go and help him, and together they uprooted it. Then the Elder said to the monks: ‘That’s how it is with the passions, my brethren. While they’re little, if we want, we can cut them off easily. But if we ignore them, as being unimportant, they become hardier and then more effort is required. And if they strike deep roots within us, then, no matter how hard we try, we can’t cut them off on our own, unless we have the help of some saints, who, after God, will defend us’.

 

Do you see the power that the words of the holy Elders have? The Prophet teaches us about this when he writes in the Psalm: ‘Wretched daughter of Babylon! Blessed is he who will deal with you as you have dealt with us. Blessed is he who will seize your infants and dash them against the rock (Ps. 136, 8-9. Septuagint).

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116. But let’s investigate his words in turn. Babylon is called confusion, since this is Babel, which is the same as Sychem [Shechem][1]. The daughter of Babylon is the name for enmity. Because first the soul becomes confused and loses its discernment[2] and then it commits sin. He calls her ‘wretched’, because, as I’ve told you before, evil is without substance and without form. It’s born from non-existence, because of our heedlessness and disappears again when we fight it, returning to nonentity. On this, the saint says: ‘Blessed is he who will repay you for the evil you’ve done to us’. So, on the one hand, we have to recognize what we’ve given, and, on the other, what we’ve received in exchange and what we should pay back. We gave our will, and, in exchange, received sin. He extols the promise given as repayment: that we will not do the same thing again. And he adds: ‘Blessed is he who will seize your infants and dash them against the rock’. By this he means: ‘Blessed is he who doesn’t allow your offspring, that is wicked thoughts, to grow, even in the beginning and thus work their evil in him. On the contrary, while they’re still weak, before they’re nourished and increase against him, he grabs hold of them and dashes them against the rock, which is Christ. In this way he exterminates them by having recourse to Christ’.

117. This is how the Elders and Holy Scripture all agree and extol those who strive to cut off their passions while they’re still weak, before their pain and bitterness are felt. So, let’s work with a will, my brethren, and we’ll find mercy. Just a little effort and we’ll find abundant rest.

The Fathers said that we should carefully cleanse every facet of our soul. In other words, that we should examine, every evening, how we’ve spent the day and then, in the morning, how we’ve spent the night. And we repent to God for any sins we’ve committed. Truth to tell, since we’re so sinful we should really examine ourselves every six hours to see how we’ve spent them and how we’ve sinned. Each of us should say: ‘Have I perhaps hurt someone with what I’ve said? Perhaps I saw them doing something and judged them or derided them or gossiped about them. Did I perhaps ask the cellarer for something, and complained when he wouldn’t give it to me? Was the food not so good and I said something derogatory about the cook and hurt his feelings? Did I perhaps complain to myself because I felt disgusted about something?’ Because if you go on complaining to yourself, that’s a sin. And again he says: ‘Did the canonarch or one of the other brothers say something to me and I couldn’t take it and spoke back to him?’ So, every day we have to ask ourselves how we’ve done. And the same goes for the nights. Did we get up willingly for the vigil? Did we not pay attention to the monk who woke us, or did we complain about him? We have to understand that the monk who wakes us for the vigil is doing us a great favour and is the harbinger of great, good things, since he’s waking us up to speak to God, to seek forgiveness for our sins and enlightenment. So aren’t we under an obligation to thank him? Really, we should be aware that through the assistance of our brother, we’ve gained our salvation. 

[1] Babel does, indeed, mean ‘confusion’, but it’s not immediately apparent why Abba Dorotheos mentions Shechem. The tower of Babel was in the land of Shinar, roughly ‘Mesopotamia’.
[2] Discernment/discretion/discrimination. Described by Cassian the Roman as the ‘pinnacle and queen of the virtues’ (Philokalia, vol. 1) and by John of the Ladder as ‘the eye and lamp of the soul, ‘the sure understanding of the will of God in every place, time and thing’ (Discourse 26).

* Life and Sayings of Abba Dorotheos was the first book my (now hermit) Gerondas recommended to me, upon ‘discovering’ the Church at my 20s. What a treasure! This book has travelled with me all over the world ever since, a constant point of reference!

Uncreated Light

Baptism and Uncreated Light

At the Orthodox parish of Holy Cross preparations are under way for the making of a Catechumen. I am deeply moved, at awe before God’s Providence. I am going to become his godparent.

On Sorrows

Face to Face

Nothing about the human body is as intimate as the face. We generally think of other aspects of our bodies when we say “intimate,” but it is our face that reveals the most about us. It is the face we seek to watch in order to see what others are thinking, or even who they are. The importance of the face is emphasized repeatedly in the Scriptures. In the Old Testament, it is the common expression for how we rightly meet one another – and rarely – God Himself – “face to face.”

In the New Testament, St. Paul uses the language of the face to describe our transformation into the image of Christ.

Χώρα-των-ζώντων

The holy icons are doubtless the most abundant expression of the “theology of the face,” and perhaps among the most profound contributions of Orthodoxy to the world and the proclamation of what it truly means to be human. Every saint, from the least to the greatest, shares the same attribute as Christ in their icons. We see all of them, face to face. In the icons, no person is ever depicted in profile – with two exceptions – Judas Iscariot and the demons. For it is in the vision of the face that we encounter someone as person. It is our sin that turns us away from the face of another – our effort to make ourselves somehow other than or less than personal. It is a manifestation of our turning away from God.

In human behavior, the emotion most associated with hiding the face is shame. The feeling of shame brings an immediate and deep instinct to hide or cover the face. Even infants, confronted by embarrassment or mild shame, will cover their faces with their hands or quickly tuck their face into the chest of the one holding them. It is part of the unbearable quality of shame.

Hiding is the instinctive response of Adam and Eve. “We were naked and we hid…” is their explanation. Readers have always assumed that it is the nakedness of their intimate parts that drive the first couple to hide. I think it more likely that it was their faces they most wanted to cover.

In an extended use of the story of Moses’ encounter with God after which he veiled his face, St. Paul presents the gospel of Christ as a transforming, face-to-face relationship with Christ.

Therefore, since we have such hope, we use great boldness of speech–unlike Moses,who put a veil over his face so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the end of what was passing away. But their minds were blinded. For until this day the same veil remains unlifted in the reading of the Old Testament, because the veil is taken away in Christ. But even to this day, when Moses is read, a veil lies on their heart. Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. (2Co 3:12-6 NKJ)

The veil of Moses is an image of the blindness of the heart and spiritual bondage. Turning to Christ removes this blindness and hardness of heart. With unveiled faces we behold the knowledge of the glory of God revealed in the face of Jesus Christ and are transformed into the very same image which is Christ.

In Russian, the word lik (лик) can mean face and person. Sergius Bulgakov plays with various forms of the word in his book Icons and the Name of God. It is an essential Orthodox insight. The Greek word for person (πρόσωπον) also carries this double meaning. The unveiled or unhidden face is a face without shame – or a face that no longer hides from its shame. This is perhaps the most fundamental aspect of our transformation in Christ. The self in whom shame has been healed is the self that is able to live as person.

We are restored to our essential and authentic humanity – our personhood. We behold Christ face to face, as a person would who looks into a mirror. And, as St. John says, “We shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is” (1Jo 3:2 NKJ).

The sacrament of penance boldly walks directly into the world of shame. Archimandrite Zacharias says:

… if we know to whom we present ourselves, we shall have the courage to take some shame upon ourselves. I remember that when I became a spiritual father at the monastery, Fr. Sophrony said to me, “Encourage the young people that come to you to confess just those things about which they are ashamed, because that shame will be converted into spiritual energy that can overcome the passions and sin.” In confession, the energy of shame becomes energy against the passions. As for a definition of shame, I would say it is the lack of courage to see ourselves as God sees us. (from The Enlargement of the Heart).

This is not an invitation to toxic shame – nor an invitation to take on yet more shame – it is a description of the healing from shame that is given in Christ. That healing is “the courage to see ourselves as God sees us.” It is the courage to answer like the prophet Samuel, “Here I am!” when God calls. God called to Adam who spoke from his shameful and faceless hiding.

Some of the mystical sermons of the fathers speak of Christ seeking Adam out a second time – but this time, in Hades, when Christ descended to the dead. There, Adam, hid no longer, turned to face the risen Lord. And so the traditional icon of the resurrection shows Christ taking Adam and Eve out of the smashed gates of Hades.

The gates of Hades are written in our faces – as are the gates of paradise. It is the mystery of our true self – the one that is being re-created in the image of Christ – precisely as we behold Him face to face and discover that no shame need remain. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. Sweet liberty!

Source: glory2godforallthings.com/

Orthodox Miracle The River Jordan Turning Back

 

 

Ever since the Theophany of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, this miracle keeps happening in the Jordan River, on this Feast Day, only on this day, once a year: the River Jordan Reverses its Flow!  The calm river literally turns back when the Holy Cross is thrust into, parts start bubling up creating waves and the direction of flow is changed. After the crosses are removed from the water, the direction changes back to normal. I have been ‘baptised’ in the Jordan River myself, not on Theophany, so I have not personally witnessed this, but those friends of mine who have been present there on Theophany Day, all attest to it happening! May we acquire at least Nature’s ‘sensitivity’ before Our Master!

*

This miracle echoes excerpts from the Orthodox Service for the Great Sanctification of the water, conducted every liturgical year, at the Feast of the Theophany, known as Epiphany:

 

“Today the Jordan is cloven, and its waters shall be held from flowing, the Master being shown washed therein.

The waters saw Thee, O God, the waters saw Thee; they  were afraid. Jordan turned back when it beheld the fire of the Godhead coming down and descending upon it in the flesh.” 

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River Jordan on the day of the Theophany

 

 

On Zeal

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A monk must be extremely cautious of carnal and animal zeal, which outwardly appears pious but in reality is foolish and harmful to the soul.

Worldly people and many living the monastic life, through ignorance and inexperience, often praise such zeal without understanding that it springs from conceit and pride. They extol this zeal as zeal for the faith, for piety, for the Church, for God. It consists in a more or less harsh condemnation and criticism of one’s neighbours in their moral faults, and in faults against good order in church and in the performance of the church services. Deceived by a wrong conception of zeal, these imprudent zealots think that by yielding themselves to it they are imitating the holy fathers and holy martyrs, forgetting that they – the zealots – are not saints, but sinners.

—

When for your labour in the garden of the commandments God grants you to feel in your soul divine zeal, then you will see clearly that this zeal will urge you to be silent and humble in the presence of your neighbours, to love them, to show them kindness and compassion, as Saint Isaac the Syrian has said. 

Divine zeal is a fire, but it does not heat the blood. It cools it and reduces it to a calm state. The zeal of the carnal mind is always accompanied by heating of the blood, and by an invasion of swarms of thoughts and fancies. The consequences of blind and ignorant zeal, if our neighbour opposes it, are usually displeasure with him, resentment, or vengeance in various forms; while if he submits, our heart is filled with vainglorious self-satisfaction, excitement and an increase of our pride and presumption.

St. Ignatius Brianchaninov

The Arena

Chapter 36

The Butterfly Lesson

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“One day a tiny tear appeared on a cocoon. One man was watching the butterfly trying to push her body through the opening. The struggle lasted for hours. Then it looked as though every activity had ceased. It looked as though the butterfly had done all it could and could not move any further. The man took a pair of scissors and opened up the cocoon. The butterfly moved out easily yet her body and her wings looked withered.

The man continued watching. He was waiting for her to flap her wings, hoping they would slowly grow, strengthen and become able to lift the butterfly to the air.

Yet, the butterfly went through her entire life moving painfully and slowly, harboring a wasted body and withered wings. She never managed to fly away.

What this kind man could not understand was that the restricted space in the cocoon and the struggle the butterfly waged served to force the liquids in her body to move towards her wings, so that she would be able to fly away as soon as she would get out.

Sometimes we too need this kind of struggle.

If we go through life without facing any troubles, we will be wasting away. We would not be as strong as we could be. We would never be able to ‘fly away’.

 pretty-butterfly

I have asked for strength…

I faced trouble so that I could become stronger

I have asked for wisdom…

I was given riddles to solve

I have asked for a good life…

I was given a brain and a healthy body so that I could work

I have asked for courage…

I was given obstacles to overcome

I have asked for love…

I met people in pain so that I could help them

I have asked for favours…

I was given opportunities

I did not receive what I have asked for…

But I did receive what I needed”.

Translated by Filothei

Source: synodoiporia.blogspot.gr/

How a Dead Mother Stopped Her Son From Suicide

Nein!

The most painful NEIN in cinema’s history…

To a person who had to choose between suicide and begging

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St. Velimirovich letter 

29 December 2016

You write that all your worldly goods were sold off to a third party. When you found yourself out on the street with nothing and nobody, you headed to the cemetery, bent on killing yourself. You had no doubts or second thoughts about this. Exhausted by the vexations, you lay down on your parents’ grave and fell asleep. Your mother appeared to you in your sleep and berated you, saying that in the Kingdom of God there were plenty of people who had been beggars, but not a single one of those who had done away with themselves. That dream saved you from suicide. Your beloved mother really did save you, by God’s providence. You began to beg and to live off begging. And you’re asking if, by doing so, you’re transgressing God’s law.

Take courage. God gave the commandment: ‘Don’t steal’. He didn’t give any commandment ‘Don’t beg’. Begging without any real need is stealing, but in your case it isn’t. The general and emperor Justinian was left blind in his old age, with no possessions or friends. He would sit, blind, outside the courtyard of the throne and beg for a little bread. As a Christian, he didn’t permit himself to consider suicide. Because, just as life’s better than death, so it’s better to be a beggar than a suicide. 

You say that you’re overcome with shame and that your sorrow’s deep. You stand at night outside the coffee-shop that used to be yours and ask for money from those who go in and out. You remember that, until recently, you were the owner of the coffee-shop and now you don’t dare go in even as a customer. Your eyes are red from weeping and lamentation. Comfort yourself. God’s angels aren’t far from you. Why are you crying about the coffee-shop? Haven’t you heard of the coffee-shop at the other end of Belgrade where it says: ‘Someone’s it wasn’t; someone’s it won’t be’? Whoever wrote those words was a true philosopher. Because that’s true of all the coffee-shops, all houses all the castles and all the palaces in the world.

What have you lost? Something that you didn’t have when you were born and which isn’t yours now. You were the boss, now you’re poor. That’s not loss. Loss is when a person becomes a beast. But you were a person and have remained so. You signed some papers for certain of your prominent customers and now your coffee-shop’s in the hands of a stranger. Now you look through the window and see everybody laughing, just the way they used to, and you’re wandering the streets with tears in your eyes and covered in shame. Never fear, God’s just. They’ll all have to answer for their misdeeds. But when they attempt to commit suicide, who’s to say whether the merciful Lord will allow their mothers to appear to them from the other world in order to keep them from the crime? Don’t consider them successful even for a moment. Because you don’t know how they’ll end up. A wise man in ancient Greece said: ‘Never call anybody happy before the end’. It’s difficult to be a beggar? But aren’t we all? Don’t we all depend, every hour of every day, on the mercy of Him Who gives us a life to lead? Now you’ve got an important mission in the world: to engage people’s attention so that they remember God and their soul and to be charitable. Since you’re forced to live in silence, delve into your soul and talk to God through prayer. The life of a beggar’s more heroic than that of a boss. ‘For gold is tested in the fire and accepted people in the furnace of humility’ (Sir. 2, 5). But you’ve already demonstrated heroism by rejecting the black thought of suicide. This is a victory over the spirit of despondency. After this victory, all the others will be easy for you. The Lord will be at your side.

Peace and comfort from the Lord!

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