Nowadays so many people, so many friends and acquaintances of mine, especially middle-aged, are disappointed, drained, left alone with children, empty and lonely (both in and out of relationships), feeling robbed. What are we to do with our lives in order to avoid self-centered ends and the spiritual abyss? Marriage and monasticism most certainly lead to the most intimate communion with the Creator and fellow creature and fulfill their promises: the soul can still be purified through either of them. They restore the soul’s appetitive drive to its divine orientation. The roads are narrow, their gates straight, but they lead to the deification of the soul. But maybe this path is not open to us — yet? — for a variety of reasons and circumstances. So WHAT is to be done?
Apparently, there is also a third way. Jesus Christ teaches that certain people are called by God to the single life.
And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery. The disciples said to Him: “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is expedient not to marry.” But He said to them: “Not all people can receive this saying, but only to those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made so by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to receive this, let him receive it.” (Mt 19:9-12)
The apostle Paul elaborates on Jesus’ teaching.
It is well for a man not to touch a woman. But because of the temptation to immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband… I say this by way of concession, not of command. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion… And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. … Only let every one lead the life which the Lord has assigned to him, and in which God has called him. (See 1 Cor. 7)
The single calling
The single life is a calling. It is a way of life which is given by God. A person, certainly a Christian person, does not choose to be single or to be married. He or she rather discovers the way of life which the Lord provides within the conditions of his or her existence. People really only chose to receive, or to reject, what has been given them. They do not determine it.
There are any number of reasons why a person may be single. They range from the sense of having a positive calling to the celibate life for religious purposes, to the plain fact of being unmarried without one’s own conscious choice, and perhaps even against it, just because this is the way that things have happened to work out. Whatever the reason for one’s being single and however mysterious or ambiguous, willed or unwilled the causes for one’s being in this state, at some point in our adult life each of us must accept the form of life which is ours and consciously offer it to the Lord, freely and voluntarily, for the sake of the love of God and neighbor.
Sanctifying the single life
The single life is sanctified the way every life is sanctified: by perfecting it according to God’s will. The first task of the single person according to God’s teaching as revealed by Jesus Christ and the apostles, martyrs and saints of the Christian Church, is that of maintaining and developing one’s sexual chastity.
The single person who says “yes” to God and to his or her calling to the single life automatically says “no” to all forms of physical, sexual activity with the opposite sex, with one’s own sex and with oneself. This is so because sexual actions other than the conjugal act of married love destroy the wholeness and integrity of one’s being through the dissipation of one’s spiritual and physical energies. No matter how loving, fulfilling and pleasurable they may at first appear to be, sexual commitments without the totally faithful commitment of unending love in marriage – with all of the responsibilities and obligations for inter-personal communion and the pro-creation and protection of human life which this involves – cannot but result in dissatisfaction, disappointment, despondency and despair. this is so because human persons are made in the image and likeness of God who is Love, and as such can find fulfillment and happiness only in ways of living and acting which express and image His own.
A hard saying
The teaching about sexual purity in the single life is a difficult one. When many people hear it they are moved to say what Christ’s disciples said when they heard other of His teachings: Lord, this is a hard word. Who can hear it? Who then can be saved? And the Lord’s answer is always the same. He said that His teaching has to be hard because “the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few”, adding as well the fundamental point that as far as His teaching is concerned, “with human being it is impossible, but with God all things are possible”, particularly to those who believe. (See Jn 6:60; Mt 7:13-14; 17-21; Lk 18:27; 35)
Like all forms of Godly life and behavior, the single life of celibate chastity is a way of the Cross. It is a way of sacrifice and suffering which alone brings joy and happiness to a human being.
Conditions for perfection
For the single life to be perfected according to God’s will, with the preservation of sexual purity as its heart and foundation certain conditions must be fulfilled. First of all there must be firm spiritual discipline for the sake of a lively interior life. The single person must have a rule of prayer which is diligently kept, with the reading and pondering of wholesome and edifying words and images. Great attention must be given to keep oneself free of all thoughts and images which lead to spiritual and physical defilement and disintegration. The “spouse” and “life partner” for the single person in the most direct and specific way must be the Lord himself.
The single person must also have a firm rule of external life and behavior. Capricious and willful actions, things done without order or form, but just as they happen to come up, must be avoided at all costs. Forms of responsibility and accountability to others must be found and fulfilled with conscious obedience. This is especially true for those who do not have such natural obligations as, or example, the care of elderly or infirm parents or relatives, or duties within a religious community.
The single person must also be committed in a formal way to a spiritual father or mother, which can be a member of the clergy, a monastic, or even a lay person mature in the faith. If, due to specific circumstances this should prove impossible, then the single person must, as everyone else, draw his strength and knowledge from the Holy fathers, the lives of the Saints and, of course, the Scriptures.
Some might say that such conditions are necessary for all who are living a human life according to God’s will, whether or not they happen to be single. This is true. But these conditions are particularly necessary for the single person precisely because of their single state in a world which renders them particularly vulnerable to self –centeredness and loneliness on the one hand, and lack of commitment and accountability on the other, with the additional cross of often being misunderstood and taken advantage of by those around them because of their single status.
Christ and the Saints
It is common in the modern world to think that one cannot be fulfilled as a human being in the single state, especially if living a sexually continent and chaste life. The claim is that without sexual activity and intimacy, a human person is diminished and even distorted in his basic humanity. If this is true, then the Christian faith as understood and practiced by the Orthodox, and by millions of other Christians, is wholly false.
The Lord Jesus Christ was single and celibate, yet He was the most perfect human being who ever lived, the Son of God and God Himself in human form. Jesus’ mother Mary, though legally married, remained a virgin her entire life. John the Baptist, whom Jesus called the greatest man ever born of woman, was clearly a chaste celibate according to the Gospels. So was the apostle and evangelist John. So was the apostle Paul who, as we have seen by his own report was single at the time of his conversion and ministry. Indeed, the calendar of Orthodox Church saints is filled with single people who are praised and honored for their chastity and devotion to God and their neighbors. In this perspective it is clearly the Christian conviction that being single is conducive to the highest and most perfect for of fulfillment possible to human beings: the life of sanctity . (Source: St. Luke’s Orthodox Mission)
See also: Marriage of Monasticism? and Belonging to Neither and Both
Thank you for this!
So many men and women I have met at conferences and retreats believe that this is a theme that deserves special attention at these “latter days” of ours.
I am the only Orthodox person I know of (except for a few old Ukrainians I don’t k ow personally) for a few hundred miles…this must be the End Times alright!
I think Blessed Seraphim Rose and Saint John Maximovich used the term “latter days” in a different sense 😉 Nonetheless, this situation certainly leaves you in a very peculiar predicament! Can you please offer us some more information about where you live?
What exactly do you mean by having a rule of external life and behaviour as a single person? I listen to Father Kosmas of Archangel Michael Monastery in Australia every day, he has great downloadable talks
I will certainly look this up. Thank you. I think that what I/ they mean is that when single [ie. not a monk/ nun in a monastery or husband/ wife in a marriage], it is imperative to have a spiritual father to do obedience and crucify our ego. For our salvation. This obedience will organically grow into a rule of external life and behaviour. Does this make any more sense?
Hi Little Hermit, I am in a very rural area in western Canada. i consider Father Kosmas from Orthodox Talks to be my spiritual father, since there are no Churches near me. I hope to move to the city next year, where there are at least 3 or 4 Churches.
It makes sens to have a spiritual father and a prayer rule. I don’t know what other kind of obedience there could be for a single adult, thank you!
A wonderful article please could you tell me the names of some single saints
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Dear Cecilia, Christ is in our midst. thank you for your question. I need more time to answer this question. Most of the “single” Saints I know were not single at first, but became so at a later point in their lives through life circumstances. Some married, then were widowed, and never made it to the monastic path for various reasons. Some of course followed from the start the monastic path, but they do not count. It had never really crossed my mind to discover single Saints, but now I have a new task with your question. As of today, I will start compiling this list through the daily synaxaria, and let you know how I am doing after some time. Thank you for your question. Any help would be most appreciated.
Dear little city hermit, thank you for your reply unfortunately I will not be able to help you since I do not know many orthordox saints. Please take your time I am in no hurry. Thank you again for your speedy reply.
Dear little city hermit, Thank you for your speedy reply unfortunately l will not able to help you in this task since I know very little if anything about orthordox saints
Hello little city hermit, I have come across your writing as I am settling into being single – for a while I had this restlessness where I felt like I was waiting for a partner to “arrive” into my life and from there I had a reason to begin. I am a recently converted Christian, and I didn’t realise it until I read your blog entry but the Lord is very slowly becoming my “life partner”, as you put it.
My closest (family and friends) are agnostic or atheist, so I do not have a Christian friend to invite me to church – this is a big stumbling block for me.
Attending an Orthodox church service worries me – I would not want to become distracted at a formal service with figuring out what to do, which returns the focus to myself. If I kept up regular attendance I would pray that my self-consciousness would gradually be taken away.
My native language is English and the services in my city are in Greek or Russian. I wonder if you have any thoughts on advice on how I can politely introduce myself, rather than turn up as a stranger. The most I have done so far is sign up for an email newsletter (quite anonymously, like this reply).
If you have written any more entries that cover these sorts of concerns I’ll be glad to read them. Thank you, Nettle